microfears.

I’m ON one lately about microfears.

Is “microfear[s]” — or as i lovingly call them,“MF-ers” — a real word? definitely not. but is it a real thing? definitely yes.⠀These little MFers aren’t the big, huge fears that we love to glorify. Nothing like “I’m afraid of death. I’m afraid of bankruptcy. What if I’m not worthy of love? What if i don’t become successful?”

MFers are those tiny, naggy thoughts that pop up in your head at least a hundred steps BEFORE that big “Oh shit, this is something I need to address” realization happens.

They’re the dull, repetitive thoughts that quietly thump in the back of your mind while you’re off doing other things on autopilot. And it’s easy to keep those thoughts waaaay back there — they’re probably rooted in avoidance, or guilt, or shame, or confusion…and dealing with that definitely doesn’t sound like fun.

“I keep avoiding finishing my reports for work,”

says the marketing assistant who’d rather be outdoors, making art. but her job’s not *that* bad.

“I‘m just not good with, like, feelings,”

says the one who actually has a LOT of feelings. but whatever, they’ll deal with them. later.

“I can’t talk to her after our last fight,”

says the girl who proooobably shouldn’t have gone off at her friend the other night, 3 bottles of wine deep. but whatever, it’s fine.

In the scheme of things, none of these are big problems, right? They’re just little annoyances, and we’ve gotten really good at creating excuses disguised as answers in an effort to make ourselves feel better for a little while. But what about long-term?

“Well, at least I have a job! Could be worse.”

until, 10 years later, you’ve reached peak “success” as CMO and have never been more miserable.

“It’s for the best — I’m too fucked up, I’d probably just disappoint someone anyway. ”

congrats! you actually *have* made a commitment. to deprive yourself of the main thing were created for: human connection.

“She probably doesn’t want to talk to me either. I was such a bitch to her. It’s for the best.”

until 3 months later, you just really miss your friend…and 3 months of #girlsilence seems really, really hard to come back from.

⠀

Listen. Paying attention to these little MFers is actually a good thing.

Once you become more aware of those seemingly innocuous, repetitive, only-slightly-annoying thoughts…you open yourself up to the ability to self-police. You can begin to pay more attention to how often you think something, how actively you’re avoiding something…and if you sit with it for long enough (uncomfortable as it’s gonna be), you can start to work through any of that negative — or hell, even crazy — self talk in super-small doses.

Change at a micro level like that is WAY easier than avoiding something for weeks, months, years.

Nobody wants to wake up 5 years from now, only just realizing the need to unpack a LOT of emotional shit…or worse, wishing they did something differently.

TLDR: those little, annoying thoughts you keep having, and keep ignoring? they’re not little, and they’re not going to go away in 5 years. raise ya damn vibration and deal with it. 

Self-Empowerment: Other People’s Shit is Not Your Shit

In class today we meditated for a little while on the concept of self-empowerment.

When I used to hear “self-empowerment”, my mind would jump to this notion of a big, heroic statement. A big event, action, or moment in time. But the more I’ve started to explore it in my own practice… the more I’ve started to realize that self-empowerment is actually quite simple.

It’s owning your voice with raw honesty.

Understanding — and standing in — your truth.

But always, always coming from a place of love.

So today, we sat in stillness and called to mind a time when we were able to speak from our hearts honestly, truthfully, and peacefully. We remembered how it felt to be expressive, how we (and others) received our words…and used that brief moment as a reminder that that honesty is ALWAYS within us. Always. Sometimes we just need to use a little bit of our own strength to extract it…alongside a healthy dose of understanding that non-owned reactions can’t (or shouldn’t) affect the independent values, beliefs, and opinions we hold true.

Need a tangible example?

I recently experienced a conflict with someone. This person took out their tangential frustrations on me in the form of an extremely angry conversation (read: I got yelled at out of nowhere for something that had very little to do with me).

I was more shaken than I’d been in a while. I had two options:

1. Respectfully express my concern about the tone of our conversation, or
2. Stay quiet. Let it fester. I’m a dweller — so, I’d dwell.

I went with the former, and I’ll be honest: I was hoping for a more empathetic, positive reaction from the person — hell, I was hoping for an apology. I didn’t get that…but I was able to calmly, clearly explain my point of view.

I worked hard to remind myself that this person has their own life stressors, their own communication style & values, and is flawed — just like the rest of us. Does it mean that I agree with their actions? Of course not — understanding is not synonymous with agreement, and that’s okay.

See, the thing is…self-empowerment doesn’t mean you’re always going to get what you want, just because you said how you feel. You will never, everbe able to control another person’s reactions — they have their own shit, their own external and internal variables, all vying for a seat at their brain table, just the way you do.

Give yourself an opportunity to see a situation from the other person’s eyes. You might still hold the same opinion as before (I sure did), but allowing yourself a momentary look into someone else’s actions creates space for gentle understanding. That softness allows any withheld bitterness to slowly melt away — so you’re left as you.

Clarified.

With your thoughts, your opinions, your truth, once again.

That’s self-empowerment.

TLDR: Be honest, be nice, stand up for yourself, and breathe. Other people’s shit is not your shit. Know it, understand it, move through it.